


at the end of the season (where will we be?)

by haetbit



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 02:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14885634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetbit/pseuds/haetbit
Summary: Youngho and Jaehyun would probably never fit into the “my missing puzzle piece” cliché, but that’s okay.They’ve got a whole lifetime ahead to figure each other out, anyway.





	at the end of the season (where will we be?)

**Author's Note:**

> just to clarify, the timeline runs from early 2017 to a couple of years down the road (around 2020)!

Youngho is different.

 

That is the word Jaehyun will choose to describe him if he was ever asked to do so. Not that this sort of questions is ever asked in the interviews or programmes they go to, but Jaehyun finds himself thinking about it often enough to form a solid answer.

Youngho is different in the way he talks; how he could slide a compliment about himself under the shield of the topic at hand without blinking an eye, making the other members laugh or groan in feigned annoyance (Jaehyun always found himself caught between the two reactions, which ends up in a weird grimace at times), and then at other times lower his voice when they are working in the studio to give a suggestion _(hey, Yuta-yah, maybe you should try this instead?)_ without ever sounding too aggressive, always knowing the boundaries and lines not to cross.

How Youngho could make the other person feel at ease the moment they start talking; just like the first time he’s met him, on the first ever practice he’s about to have (the cold palm that settled on his left shoulder was a huge contrast to the warm smile that he had been given that day.).

He is a natural at socialising and building relationships; when the first batch of potential-NCT members joined he has gotten close to Taeyong in record time, with Mark following close behind because of their similar North American background. Even now, as they host their own radio show, he somehow manages to hit it off with the guests as if it’s not the first time they’ve ever seen them.

With that being said, Jaehyun isn’t an awkward shell that needs to be cracked open himself; he’s got an affable personality, and he’s learnt from his years in school on how to make use of his charming smile and dimples to create a pleasant impression on others (the teachers have let him off the trouble he’s created every single time once he smiled at them sheepishly and apologised, that _has_ to say something about his face). He’d thought that he was the charmer of the team, easily receiving affection from the hyungs and admiration from the younger members he doted on fondly. So when he realised that Youngho was playing a similar role, in a different way, the disgruntlement that builds up in his young, wilful self was hard to suppress.

 

Two magnets of similar poles will never attract each other, and that is probably how it will play out for Jaehyun and Youngho. Or, that’s how Jaehyun thinks for now, at least.

 

*

 

Youngho tries.

 

Growing up, he was taught the importance of understanding and respecting the varying opinions of different people, to never doubt himself and what he stands up for because of what others say. So he always tries to think from the other person’s perspective, and exude confidence in everything he is striving for; be it perfecting his lines in their songs, practicing for the new choreographs, and even making friends.

With Jung Jaehyun, however, he soon realised that he could do neither. 

For one, he can never seem to figure out which page Jaehyun is at. Every time he thinks _‘this must be it, this is how we work out’_ , when they’re alone in the car to the broadcasting station and Jaehyun laughs freely (eyes crinkling and dimples fully showing, the prettiest smile Youngho has ever seen on a boy, if he were to be honest) at a joke he’s just cracked, the thought shatters just a few moments later when he is again, met with cold hostility that reeks off the boy once they are surrounded by the staff of their show. It’s a coldness hidden under his professional, amiable façade which only Youngho can see and feel; the way his lips are kept in a tight line, the remnants of his laughter a few minutes ago nowhere to be found, his gaze and tone of voice that lacks any warmth when Youngho comments on something from script.

 _Am I overthinking?_ He wonders. _Did I do something to make him uncomfortable?_ He’s thrown into self-doubt every time, stranding away from the values he grew up believing in.

What exactly was he looking for from Jaehyun? He thinks back to the time, way before they have even heard of the name NCT, when they still practiced in that intolerable practice room with the sky wallpaper at the back. When Jaehyun was still a head shorter than he had been and liked to porch himself on his shoulders, undeveloped voice going _Johnny-hyung what are you doing?,_ and the warmth that bursts from every corner of his heart.

Youngho isn’t someone who likes to pick favourites; he adores all of the members, from the oldest Taeil to his friends Taeyong and Yuta, down to the younger members he’s closer to (Ten, Mark, Haechan) and the ones he’s not but still dotes on regardless. But he thinks, admits after his many attempts of trying to get on his good side and never sure if he has succeeded, that maybe, just maybe, Jaehyun might be special to him.

So he couldn’t help the way his heart sank a little when he heard Jaehyun say that his favourite hyung was Taeyong, and he couldn’t contain the disappointment he felt when he had to hear from Taeyong that Jaehyun was uncomfortable with how cold the air-conditioning in their room was.

Are you that uncomfortable with me? Do I make you that uneasy? Youngho wants to ask, when it gets quiet in their room at night and Jaehyun’s either looking at something on his phone or reading the new poetry book he’s got.

But the want disappears once Jaehyun turns around to meet his eyes, having obviously noticed his unrelenting gaze. The way he looks so soft under the warm yellow table light has Youngho catching his breath involuntarily, unable to break the moment. The distance between them is a barely an arm’s length, and under normal circumstances they both would have been surprised and turned away instantly, but Youngho presses on, eyes locked with Jaehyun’s.

And when Jaehyun finally blinks, eyelids falling close as he lets out an airy, sheepish laugh and mumbles “what are you doing, Youngho-hyung…”, the way his ears flush pink has Youngho smiling as well. _So you can feel this way around me too,_ he thinks to himself, and the heavy rock that has settled on his heart without him even realising disappears in an instant.

 

Youngho still doesn’t get Jaehyun sometimes, and he still finds himself doubting the same questions, but he knows from the way Jaehyun’s ears turn red slowly whenever he stares at him that there is something more to the hostile front he puts up. And so he waits.

Youngho continues to try.

 

*

 

The turning point, like a renewed gear that pushes the hands of a once dilapidated clock into movement, came when Jaehyun had to leave for the jungle in the middle of the summer.

 

Everyone is worried; the fans who spewed concerns and crying faces all over the comment board of their radio show, the members who made sure that Jaehyun had every possible thing he needed for his survival (Doyoung being the mastermind behind it all, always the reliable brain of the team), and then there was Youngho.

Jaehyun thought that he had been joking when he commented on how it will be different without Jaehyun around during their radio session, but realised how serious he was when Youngho followed him out of the dorm when it was time for him to head to the airport.

“Hyung?” he questions, stopping in his tracks.

Youngho only returned the questioning look, replying “I’m sending you off.” briefly as if it were the most natural thing to do.

Jaehyun would’ve laughed if this was any of the other members; if it had been Taeyong or Doyoung who offered to send him off he would have brushed them off jokingly and told them to stop overreacting. But this was Youngho, the John Suh who is ever affectionate (and maybe a little more towards him, he has come to notice lately) and not back down from what he thinks is the right thing to do. And so Jaehyun did what he was best at around Youngho: feel the blood flood to the tips of his ears as he tries to convey his appreciation. “Thanks, hyung, I’m touched.”

Youngho mutters something along the lines of “it’s nothing” and “this is the least I could do” before he is ushering him up the car and helping their manager fit their luggage in the boot.

The car ride to the airport is unusually quiet, the usually talkative Youngho solemn in the passenger seat in front of him. _What’s with this atmosphere…_ Jaehyun thinks as he tries to glimpse at Youngho through the rearview mirror.

“Jaehyun-ah,” Youngho calls out suddenly and he jumps in his seat, not expecting the attention. When he gives a hum of acknowledgement, Youngho continues: “If you’re not comfortable with doing anything, let the staff know, alright? It’s dangerous out there and I don’t want you to get into any sort of situation that is unsafe.”

It must be this sort of blunt assertions that gets to him; the way Youngho expresses what he wants and doesn’t want so easily, especially when it comes to caring for the other members — how they are so similar to each other yet so different. Jaehyun can never say something like that without faltering, and the fact that Youngho can get him worked up so effortlessly annoys him.

But today is not one of those days to show his annoyance, because Youngho is staring at him (again) with the kind of eyes he only uses when he’s relaying the team’s opinion on their performance to the staff, or when he’s trying to coax the members out of a fight. Jaehyun finds himself helpless against the eyes locked on his, the emotions bottled inside flowing nakedly out towards him. He feels breathless all of a sudden, and with a low “I got it” he manages to force out of his throat he wills his eyes away to the scenes passing them outside the window. He uses the opportunity to take a breather and realises that they’re already midway through the airport expressway.

As they pull into the airport curbside, Youngho has his eyes on him again, just a little more lost and anxious looking this time. Jaehyun hasn’t thought much of the concerns everyone has been throwing him; even as his parents asked him to reconsider his choice he had been exasperatedly trying to appease their worries. He thinks that everyone’s worries are unfounded, but looking at Youngho now, the usually level-headed and calm one, he wonders for just a split second if there is any chance that he won’t get to see him again.

 _That’s ridiculous, Jung Jaehyun. Get your head together._ He shakes his head, and hears the manager getting off the car to collect his luggage from the back. Youngho is reaching his hand out to him then, cold palm seeking his. Jaehyun’s breath hitches a little when his hand envelopes his own, and Youngho gives it a squeeze. “Come back safely, Jaehyun-ah.”

He nods, a little clueless on what to say in reply, and returns the gesture by flipping his hand around to give Youngho’s a squeeze too. “Take good care of N-NaNa while I’m gone, hyung.”

Youngho grins at that, and then he’s out of the car.

 

*

 

When Jaehyun sees the dazzling night sky somewhere on a mountain in Fiji, covered with millions of glittering stars and some meteors, he thinks of his loved ones back in Korea and a man with cold hands yet a much warmer heart.

 

He isn’t lying when he tells the listeners (and his fellow colleague next to him) that they have all been missed when he’s returned to his position on the show.

 

*

 

Their dynamics change little by little after Jaehyun’s short absence.

 

Youngho notices it first; the way his comments are met with more enthusiast than just a cold nod of the head (most of the times), how Jaehyun smiles and laughs more often at the little jokes he play during breaks, and finally, the way Jaehyun looks back at him. The nonchalant and often cold indifference he’s found himself gotten used to is now replaced with a much softer gaze, dashed with slight playfulness, almost as if he’s waiting to see what Youngho has up his sleeves again. 

The staff in the studio catches on with the change too. “Jaehyun-ah, you’re picking up johnny’s comments more naturally now, it’s good to see.” One of the writer-noonas says before recording starts one day, and Youngho glances to his right to see Jaehyun slightly flustered. “Am I? Hasn’t it always been like this?” Youngho purses his lips to hide his smile and shrugs when his partner turns to him for answers.

“Of course not, we didn’t say anything because we thought it was just how you two worked, but the atmosphere could get really cold sometimes… It’s definitely much better these days.” Their PD adds, and Jaehyun’s bewilderment amplifies. He turns to Youngho again, with eyes that seem to be questioning _was it really that bad?_ But before Youngho can give a proper reply the staff is cuing them in for the start of the recording, so he leaves Jaehyun with a “let’s talk about it later” before focusing on his script.

 

He feels slightly bad for almost forgetting about it when Jaehyun prances on him the moment they enter the car. “Hyung, so are you going to tell me what went on back there or not?” Jaehyun questions, tone impatient as he pulls on the back of Youngho’s sleeves. His childlike demeanor throws Youngho off for a second, as his mental gears scrambles to pinpoint the topic at hand. “Ah, that?” He asks once they do, and he hums in contemplation of the right way to give his answer. _Will Jaehyun feel offended?_

“It’s kind of true?” He starts off carefully, judging Jaehyun’s expression as he speaks. “I mean, I got used to it after a while, I just thought that that was how you prefer to host the show so I left it as that — we all have different ways of how we want things to progress and that’s fine —”

Jaehyun cuts off Youngho’s blabbering with a brusque reply. “So you did feel uncomfortable.”

Youngho frowns at that conclusion. “I didn’t say that —”

“But the fact remains that my way of hosting chilled the atmosphere and made you uncomfortable sometimes, right hyung?” Jaehyun’s argument is true, and Youngho finds himself speechless, the gears in his mind now trying to find the source of Jaehyun’s displeasure. He notices their manager casting worried glances at them from his peripheral vision, and wills himself to think of a solution quickly.

“Look, Jaehyun-ah, if this is about your way of hosting,” he tries to reason, but is met with Jaehyun’s agitated voice again. “It’s not about me!” His frown deepens at Jaehyun’s words. “Why are you always so concerned about how the others are feeling, hyung? If what I was doing was making you uncomfortable, why couldn’t you have told me right away?”

 _What?_ Youngho may or may not have verbalised his confusion, but Jaehyun continued on either way. “Hyung, your consideration for others can be really unbearable sometimes, you know that?”

Youngho swears he can feel the blood drain from his face at that sentence. He vaguely registers their manager telling Jaehyun that what he just said was too harsh, and Jaehyun throwing a curt “forget it” before he’s flopping back against his seat and staring out of the window. The rest of the car ride remained a blur to him, even as they got off and took the elevator up to their apartment unit. Jaehyun’s words seemed to be reverberating in his ears and mind until he was met with some of the other members having supper in the kitchen, and then the loud _bang!_ of the door to Jaehyun and Haechan’s shared room after Jaehyun has stormed down the stairs.

The members, clearly surprised, all turned to stare at him for answers.

Youngho lets out a defeated sigh and slumps down to the floor, emotional and physical exhaustion finally kicking in.

 

*

 

They’ve been avoiding each other for days.

 

Or at least, Jaehyun’s been sure that he was the one avoiding Youngho until yesterday morning when they had both entered the kitchen at the same time, and Youngho had made a quick exit mumbling about needing to collect his laundries. _Alright then,_ he huffed, _two can play this game._

Jaehyun knows he’s being childish, and that’s what is annoying him all the more. He detests how sensible and mature Youngho seems even in such a situation, even when he knows he had gone overboard with what he has said that night and hurt Youngho’s feelings badly, the fact that there is still no form of confrontation from him just adds on to the fire Jaehyun has created within himself. 

In complete honesty, Jaehyun really didn’t know that the way he was hosting and responding to Youngho’s comments has been ruining the atmosphere; he thought it was the usual way they have been communicating all along, with Youngho being the enthusiastic, talkative one and him adding on wherever he deem fits. It wasn’t until Doyoung had come in to talk to him a day after the incident that he recognised that maybe he really was acting unknowingly cold to Youngho.

“How could you not have sensed it? I’ve been wanting to talk to you for the longest time but Youngho-hyung held me back, I felt so bad for hyung every time I tuned in…” Doyoung crossed his arms, staring straight at Jaehyun from where he was sitting across the room. “Really, Yoonoh-yah, what’s with you when you’re alone with Youngho-hyung? You don’t act that way when you’re with me or Taeyong-hyung.”

And that’s a fact that he can’t rebut. Youngho was the closest hyung to him during his training period; he was easy to get along with, and he was always there for him when he was having a hard time —- Youngho’s the sturdy pillar of support for all of them, everyone would have agreed. But after he debuted, spending lesser time together and getting relatively closer to the other members in the progress made the differences and similarities between the two of them seem starker. Before he even has the time to acknowledge what was happening he’s already harbouring some form of displeasure towards Youngho.

It’s a hard feeling to describe, he had answered when Doyoung questioned him further. It makes Jaehyun uncomfortable to know that Youngho’s constantly trying to accommodate to his feelings, so much so that he’s willing to trivialise his own. “That’s just not how it’s supposed to be.”

“Then why don’t you just tell him so?” Doyoung had raised a good point; he could have just told him so, talked about it without having to go through all of this. Youngho would have listened and understood, Jaehyun knew, but it was somehow just so easy for him to not act like himself when he’s around him. All the emotions that are roused in him whenever Youngho’s around; his face (and ears) that flushes red so easily, his bouts of childlikeness and petulance, their appearance mysteriously increase tenfold when he’s with him. How can that possibly be explained? 

Doyoung had chided him (just like a child) nonetheless for being so insensitive and told him to apologise quickly after the consultation session they had, while Taeil had openly told them to knock it off during dinner in their dorm after two days of the other members acting carefully around the both of them — to which Youngho has good-naturedly replied that they’ll sort it out between themselves and the others don’t have to pay any heed to them. 

That has obviously been just an empty comment to make the others feel more at ease, because it has been five days and no form of reconciliation has been done.

Jaehyun has been skillfully avoiding Doyoung’s piercing glares that wordlessly convey the _have you apologized?_ message, because it’s jabbing at his conscience and he really doesn’t need that right now. He knows he should apologise, and he would, really. But he’s waiting.

He’s waiting for Youngho to come up to him first, to talk just about anything under the sun so that he knows that he’s not upset with him, that they’re still on good terms, because maybe, he thinks. Maybe that’s just what he is afraid of. That the Youngho he knows, the kind and always affectionate hyung he has is finally going to be sick of his attitude and decide that he’s done. As much as Jaehyun finds Youngho’s never-ending affection and consideration for others overwhelming at times, he revels in that same affection Youngho showers him — deep down he can feel that the affection Youngho gives him is different from what he gives the rest, and Jaehyun would be lying if he said he didn’t like that. 

 

Jaehyun is starting to feel like a hypocrite, and he loathes himself for it.

 

*

 

The tension between them eases out as days passed, with Doyoung and Taeyong being their mediators. They talk and pass jokes as if nothing is wrong when they’re with the rest, but when they’re alone, the atmosphere goes cold again, an awkward air hanging thickly above them.

Doyoung, always the quick one, noticed it during the recording of their radio show’s Saturday programme. “Don’t tell me you guys still haven’t resolved your problem.” he threatened, and Jaehyun didn’t have it in him to look at either of his colleagues, so he settled his eyes on the script in front of him. Next to him, Youngho cleared his throat, and then an exasperated _ugh!_ resonated across the recording booth.

“Come on, are you two still teenagers?” Jaehyun didn’t need to look up to know that Doyoung has a hand on his forehead and eyebrows furrowed, his habit when he’s really frustrated with something. “Hey, hey, watch your words, Doyoung-ah. I’m your hyung.” Youngho warned, tapping his pen against the wooden table in time with his words.

It was a weak attempt at digressing which obviously wouldn’t work when it came to talking to Kim Doyoung. “Don’t try to change the topic, hyung.” came his blunt reply, and Youngho didn’t bother trying to argue with him again.

 

Needless to say, even the great Kim Doyoung has failed to settle the issue between them and finally surrendered to their stubbornness, retreating with a cry of _you two do what you want, I’m not going to bother anymore._ With the last contestant down, Jaehyun and Youngho are left on their own in the status quo, neither of them willing (or daring) to make any efforts of reconciling.

Until it was almost Christmas.

 

The coming of Christmas always signified busy times for them, as they prepare for the year-end festivities and ready themselves for the new year’s plans. This year’s has been an especially tough one, with the continuous schedules and the recent happenings in the company that placed all activities into a sudden standstill temporarily.

It’s the night before they return to their schedules when Jaehyun can’t seem to fall asleep. He’s the type who completely gives up on trying when insomnia kicks in, preferring to indulge in the movies he’s been meaning to watch but didn’t have time for, or catching up on the books he’s left untouched when they get busy. Tonight is unfortunately one of those nights where he simply can’t concentrate on anything, he concludes after staring at the movie’s subtitles for ten minutes while registering none of it.

There is too much on his mind.

With a sigh, he climbs out of bed softly, careful not to wake Haechan up, and tip-toes out of the room. Once he’s out in the hallway he can hear some muffled noises coming from Taeyong and Youngho’s room next door, and for a moment contemplates on whether he should go in to see what they’re up to. His mind supplies him with the possible look of unease Youngho might have when he walks in, and he decides against it right away. With another sigh, he makes his way up the stairway to the living room, and flops himself down on the sofa.

The low hum of the refrigerator rumbles across the space, and sends Jaehyun into his reverie as his eyes falls shut. He thinks about the dance moves they have been practicing for the upcoming shows and award ceremonies, the mistakes he needs to fix. His focus then drifts to the scene this afternoon, when they were having their own practice time, and him looking at Haechan practicing with Youngho through the mirror. How his eyes met Youngho’s, and the thudding of his heart that pounded against his ears when their gazes locked for a few seconds.

“Ugh,” Jaehyun moans in despair and opens his eyes, taking his glasses off to bury his face in his hands. _This needs to stop, it really really does and —_

“Jaehyun?”

Speak of the devil.

He stills in his seat, shoulders tense as he hears shuffling of feet coming towards him, and then a hand rests on his head. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

The worry etched into every tone that reaches his ear makes him smile, despite the situation. He looks up, and realises that he can barely make out Youngho’s face in the darkness and his terrible vision, but figures that he is probably frowning right now. “I’m fine, hyung. Just can’t sleep.”

Youngho lets out a soft sigh then, seemingly relieved, and let his hand fall back against his side. “Neither can I,” he says, and for a moment appears a little lost on what to do. “Do you want to be alone?”

That sounds like a dumb question to ask, but Jaehyun knows that he’s just being considerate (again), in case he did want some time alone. He didn’t. “No…” He starts, looking down at the coffee table in front, and almost as an afterthought he adds: “Stay with me, hyung.” 

“Of course.” Youngho agrees, as gentle as ever, and moves to sit next to him on the sofa. His warmth seeps through the thin material of his pyjamas to Jaehyun’s bare skin where their knees touch, and Jaehyun guesses that he’s been hiding under his comforter before coming out.

“What were you and Taeyongie-hyung doing, I heard noises coming from your room.” he questions, and Youngho shrugs. “He was watching a movie, and then started talking to me all about it and what he thinks the ending should have been. I told him he should really be going to sleep.”

Jaehyun chuckles, and that brought a smile to Youngho’s face too. “Then what were you doing, hyung?” he questions again, pulling his knees up to rest his head on. Youngho looks at him then, a pensive expression taking over his face.

“Thinking about things.” he answers, a little aloof. Jaehyun nods slowly, and says that he had been doing the same. “Well,” Youngho starts, and he gets a feeling on the direction this conversation is going. “Maybe we were thinking about the same thing.”

His intuition has never failed him, not that he hasn’t been expecting this. Jaehyun feels a sense of relief flooding through him, almost, now that they can finally talk about this. He takes in a deep breath, and tries to swallow the lump that is forming in his throat.

“Sorry, hyung.” he blurts out, voice slightly raspy, and he feels Youngho’s palm against his back. “Hey, that’s not what I’ve been meaning to hear.” Youngho says, in a tone Jaehyun knew meant to be comforting.

“I know, but I still owe you an apology.”

He turns his body around so that he can face Youngho fully, and Youngho’s hand drops to rest on his thigh. “I was being childish, avoiding you and getting upset with you in the first place… Sorry.”

“Hey,” Youngho sounds serious now, shifting sideways so that they’re both facing each other. “You’re not childish, Jaehyun-ah. You were upset with me for something I had made you uncomfortable about, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

 _That’s exactly the point._ “Exactly,” Jaehyun says, and sees Youngho’s frown deepen again. “I don’t understand what is making me uncomfortable, hyung. It’s been bothering me for months, and I know that you mean well, so I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.” His description barely makes sense to himself, and he lets out an infuriated groan.

“Don’t say that,” Youngho’s hand wraps around his then, an attempt to soothe his emotions. “Tell me, what has been bothering you for months, exactly?”

Jaehyun bites his lips, trying to piece his thoughts together properly before speaking. “Just how you are so affectionate sometimes, that you seem to put others’ needs before your own…” When he made sure that Youngho’s expression hasn’t changed, he continues, “And how we are so similar yet different, it just makes me confused, and annoyed sometimes.”

Youngho hums, a contemplative expression on again as he digests the information. Jaehyun takes the time to look down at their hands then, his own in Youngho’s relatively colder palm and fingers. _So different_. “I think,” Youngho’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts. “First of all, we have to be different. I’d like to think that we share a few things in common, but after all you are still Jaehyun and I’m still Johnny. And there’s nothing wrong with that, to me. I still like you for who you are, and I’m completely fine with who I am, you know?”

The sudden confession sends blood rushing to his face without surprise, but Youngho’s already carrying on. “Second of all, I know that I’m a gentleman,” Jaehyun snickers, of course, only Youngho will be able to slide in a self-compliment as a joke in this sort of conversations. “But I can see how it could have overwhelmed you… You know I’m not very good at determining the right amount of things, like my optimism.”

Seeing Youngho self-conscious suddenly tugs a little at Jaehyun’s heart, because that’s the last thing he wants for the usually confident self Youngho is. He wants to tell him that that’s not what he meant, but Youngho beats him to it. “Just let me know next time yeah? Instead of getting angry at me… You really shocked me and hyung that night.” Youngho chuckles, shaking his head as he recalls that car ride.

Jaehyun can’t bring himself to laugh along. “You’re not angry at me at all?”

Youngho’s eyes soften as he lets out a quiet sigh. “Of course not. Like I’ve said, it isn’t your fault that you got uncomfortable with something I have done. Besides, I like it when you’re being honest with me. It means you’re comfortable around me, doesn’t it?”

When Jaehyun’s expression doesn’t ease up, Youngho tugs lightly on his hand to pull him over. “C’mere,” he says softly, and Jaehyun lets him pull him close against his chest, his cheek pressed flushed against Youngho’s neck. Once they have settled in their new position, Youngho’s arms encaging his torso fully, the conversation starts again. “If you want me to tone it down, I will, but I just want you to know that you’re important to me, alright?”

Jaehyun doesn’t know what’s making his face heat up; the words Youngho has just said, or the answer he is about to give. He buries his face in Youngho’s shoulder, and mumbles, “But I like that you’re affectionate to me…”

He feels the vibrations from Youngho’s chest before he hears his laugh. “You are really hard to please, you know that Jung Jaehyun?” He smiles at that, and feels the arms around him tighten slightly. “I really don’t get you sometimes, but it’s alright. Like you said, we’re different, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to understand you.”

Youngho’s words sends warmth flooding through his entire being again, and he muffles his chuckle against his t-shirt, hands finding their way to wrap around Youngho’s back. The conversation lulls, and Jaehyun is reminded of them back in their trainee days, when he was still searching for his own voice and style in the various aspects. Whenever he had a hard time, it was somehow always Youngho who manages to find him, huddled in one corner of a dark practice room and locked up in his own self-doubts. _Hey there, buddy,_ he would say in his native tongue when he found him, and plop down next to him wordlessly until Jaehyun was ready to open up. Each time ended with Youngho enclosing him in a hug as he conveyed words of encouragement _(you can definitely do it, Jaehyun-ah, I believe in you)_ over and over again, until Jaehyun believed in them himself.

This suddenly seems like a déjà vu, but the strong, constant thumping of the heart he hears in front of him and the settings around them remind him that he’s here in this moment, right now.

 

Jaehyun thinks that he’s finally found his peace, as different as they might be.

 

*

 

The promise that will bring them together years later came somewhat as a joke.

 

It’s the second recording of the night, and as much as they’re a little drained out, this one’s for the night of Christmas. Youngho seems to have gotten more excited after scanning through the stories in the submissions, and the enthusiasm of the certified mood maker of the team is working its magic on Jaehyun as he watches his partner bounce up and down in his chair.

“It’s Christmas, Jae, you gotta be more excited!” Youngho half-exclaims in English, and Jaehyun throws his head back, laughing at how ridiculous this situation is.

The recording starts after Youngho manages to heighten Jaehyun’s mood a bit further, and it goes smoothly until they finish reading the second submission. Jaehyun was contemplating about what he can comment about the story of the listener who has spent Christmas with just her best friend for seven years in a row, when Youngho’s question throws him off guard.

“Jae-D,” he starts, “Uh, this is a bit weird for me to ask but…”

Jaehyun laughed at how flustered Youngho looked, but the words that come out next has him surprised.

“We have nine members in total, right? But if you can spend Christmas with just one member out of eight for seven years,” Youngho continues, and Jaehyun questions, “For seven years?”

“Yeah, seven years.” he affirms, and Jaehyun mulls over the question.

“How old will I be after seven years?” Jaehyun asks, and smiles when they both answer “29!” in unison. “So who will you pick?” Youngho prompts, looking expectant as he waits for Jaehyun’s answer.

It isn’t hard to see that Youngho’s anticipating Jaehyun’s answer to be him, and so he plays along: “The 29 years old me will definitely have to go to Chicago with Jyan-D to spend the Christmas with him.” Youngho looks undeniably pleased with his answer, but corrects that it’s every single year for seven years in a row.

Jaehyun chuckles, and answers, “Then I’ll just have to go to Chicago every year!”

Youngho laughs, seeming absolutely thrilled. “I feel so good suddenly,” he confesses and Jaehyun adds that it was an extremely easy question for him to answer, grinning when Youngho gets a little flustered.

“Oh and also, if you go to Chicago,” he goes on to say, “I’ve spent a few Christmases there and a majority of them were all white Christmases.”

“Mm,” Jaehyun hums in understanding, “I’ve always been picturing white Christmases in my head…”

“Ah, then you really should go to Chicago, for seven years!” Youngho affirms, still chuckling.

“Then what about Jyan-D, who will you pick?” Jaehyun turns the question around, and Youngho’s looks at him with such absurdity that even the writer-noona sitting opposite them laughs.

“Is there a need to ask, Jae-D?” he repeats a few times, trying to control his laughter. Jaehyun purses his lips to suppress his own, insisting that he’s very curious about his answer.

“Ah, let’s go to Chicago, Jae-D!” Youngho declares, and Jaehyun gives an appreciative exclaim, “As expected of Jyan-D!”

“But personally I would like to visit Jae-D’s house before going off,” Youngho adds suddenly, and Jaehyun finds himself muddled again. “Jae-D’s house in Korea.” he clarifies. “I’ll visit your house to have dinner with your parents, then take the next flight out.”

“Oh, then since my parents are already there, we can all go to Chicago together. How is that?” Jaehyun concludes, half-jokingly, and Youngho’s voice strains suddenly.  “If Jae-D’s the one paying for the tickets, then of course. I’ll just offer the accommodation.”

“Oh that’s good enough.” They laugh at Jaehyun’s reply, just as the writer-noona cues them to move on with the programme, and the conversation concludes at that.

 

“Are you serious about going to Chicago with me, though, Jaehyun-ah?”

The question catches him off guard, again, as they were taking their shoes off at the doorway. They’re back at the dorm after recording was done for the night, and their manager has already disappeared down the hallway, probably to his own room. He looks back at Youngho, a playful grin on his face, and asks: “Then were you serious when you asked that question just now, hyung?”

Youngho looks a little surprised, but shrugs in reply. “Sorta?”

Jaehyun’s grin widens. “Then my answer is sorta too.” he echoes Youngho’s answer before turning on his back to walk into the main living area. He giggles when he hears _“Ey, what is that, Jung Jaehyun!”_ behind him, and skips down the stairs to his room.

 

That night, after wishing Haechan goodnight, he thinks of the pictures of Chicago in winter Youngho has showed them once, and decides that it really wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to follow him back for Christmas after all.

 

*

 

The new year comes at last, and they’re all gearing up for the big project the company has in mind for them this year. Jaehyun’s absence when he left for Ukraine was just as sorely felt as his absence in the last summer, and Youngho seems to be making up for it by flooding him with affection — mostly through his eyes that focus on him almost fully throughout the radio sessions.

Jaehyun ignored it for the first few days, passing it off as another one of Youngho’s weird ways of joking around with him, but the second week of live sessions after his return came and Youngho’s gaze on him still isn’t relenting. He saw a few comments on their radio’s message board asking if Youngho’s neck is alright from always turning to the right to look at Jaehyun, and some others saying that Jaehyun’s amazing for being able to talk so normally when Youngho’s looking at him like that.

 _Like that,_ the soft and warm gaze that meets his eyes whenever he looks over, how it intensifies when Jaehyun smiles or laugh. He knows it all, and unlike what the comments say, his normal tone of voice and unaffected expression doesn’t come without effort — he needs to will himself to take deep breaths and keep his thumping heart calm so that he wouldn’t be blushing through the whole session.

He’s tried pointing out one of the comments to Youngho once; the one that says _Johnny-oppa is your neck okay kkkkk stop staring at Jaehyunie I feel embarrassed just by looking at you two ><. _Youngho only laughed, and asked if he did feel embarrassed. Jaehyun nodded honestly, and wondered if it wasn’t obvious, but immediately dismissed the thought once he’s touched his own ear; there’s no way it wasn’t red from how hot it was.

“Well, it isn’t a bad thing to feel embarrassed over things like this.” came the reply of the ever optimistic Seo Youngho, and Jaehyun could only sigh in resignation as he continued with the unwinnable war against Youngho’s gaze.

Youngho’s unabashed expression of affection for him continues even out of their radio programme. It’s there when they’re on the shooting set for their new music video (when Youngho called him an angel and they coincidentally sang the same part of the same song right at the same time), it’s there when they’re overseas and Youngho’s taking pictures of them, but mostly him at the most unexpected moments (after claiming that he likes to take pictures of the beautiful things he sees and Jaehyun rebutting that he’s never taken pictures of them — he takes that back now), and it’s there when they’re on stage. When Jaehyun’s giving his own greeting, or when he’s trying to say something to make the fans happy (“I’ll give 100 points to anyone who likes me!”), Youngho’s always one of the first to cheer him on and give his support (“Then I’ll get 100 points!” Youngho declares, and Jaehyun beams. “Oh, I like you!”).

It’s to the extent that Yuta (the one who dotes on Sicheng to no end and questions everyone who dares to question him about it) spoke up one day and told Youngho to tone it down a little. “Why?” Youngho had asked, “Jaehyun deserves that much love, don’t y’all agree?”

The members groaned in unison at his unashamed confession, and Jaehyun has half the mind to cover his head in the sweaty practice clothing he had just changed out of so that he wouldn’t need to face any of them.

“Hyung…” he whined, and Youngho cackles before apologising for his actions.

“That was a bit overboard, sorry.”

(Mark’s “dude I’ve got goosebumps man” when Youngho came to sit down beside him didn’t go unheard, and Jaehyun feels bad for playing a part in corrupting the innocent Mark Lee.)

 

 

After months of non-stop schedules, when they’re finally able to catch their breaths and have some time to themselves, Youngho’s leaning against the frame of his door one weekend night to ask if he wants to go watch Avengers together.

“Wanna come along, Donghyuck-ah?” he asks his roommate as he changes his clothes, preparing to leave. The youngest’s reply has him choking on his own spit.

“With you and Youngho-hyung? No thanks, I don’t want to see you two flirting the whole time.”

At the door, Youngho chortles, almost collapsing to the floor as he asks between his short intakes of breaths: “What do you know about flirting, maknae?”

The fact that he didn’t even bother to refute Haechan’s statement makes Jaehyun want to bang his head on their wardrobe more than before.

It turns out that almost the whole team was part of this movie outing after all (they dragged all the members who haven’t watched Avengers yet out together), and it created quite a commotion at the cinema due to their big group size (but really mostly thanks to Lucas and Chenle). Taeyong volunteered to go get the movie tickets with their managers, and the rest gathered around to decide on how many popcorn combo sets they should get.

“Alright now that’s settled, Jaehyun-ah you can go get it with Youngho-hyung.” Doyoung decides, pushing the both of them towards the counter. Jaehyun’s eyes widens, a questioning _huh?_ falling out of his mouth as Doyoung explains, “I’m giving y’all time to yourselves now, so don’t come flirting in front of all of us later.”

Jaehyun wants to rebut and say that they won’t, but Youngho’s already hanging an arm over his shoulder and pulling him away. “Got it, thanks, Doyoung-ah~” he sing-songs, and Jaehyun glares up at him.

“Hyung, you’re having fun, aren’t you?” he says, shrugging his shoulders to get Youngho’s arm off. Youngho takes it away knowingly, and instead rests his hand on Jaehyun’s back.

“A little?” Jaehyun rolls his eyes, and Youngho chuckles. “Sorry, I’ll tell them to stop it if you’re uncomfortable.”

They ordered their combo sets from a kind service crew (who is apparently a fan of NCT) and called for the others to come collect them when they were ready. Once they’re left on their own again on the way into the movie theatre, Jaehyun tugs at the sleeve of Youngho’s sweater and pulls on it until he’s leaning down enough for him to whisper into his ear.

“Shouldn’t hyung be the one stopping so that the others will stop too?”

Youngho looks at him and then glances to the front, waiting for the other members to head in before replying, “That’s why I’m asking, Jaehyun-ah. Do you want me to stop?”

His question stuns Jaehyun, and he finds himself unable to say anything. Youngho’s eyes find his under the dim lighting, and he lifts his hand to ruffle Jaehyun’s hair before patting the back of his head gently.

“Just let me know when you want me to stop, alright?” he whispers, warm breath fanning Jaehyun’s face, before his face breaks into a mischievous smile, “But for now I’ll just continue with what I’ve been doing, since you’re not telling me otherwise.”

Before Jaehyun can even reply, there’s a dull thudding of footsteps coming their way and Jaemin’s stepping out from the darkness. “Hyung, the movie’s about to start!” he informs with a questioning look on his face, but doesn’t say anything else.

“Coming,” Youngho replies, smiling at the younger boy who nods and rushes back in. He then turns to Jaehyun and holds the hand that was still latching onto his sleeve. “Come on, we can talk later.”

Jaehyun follows Youngho quietly, glancing at their hands and interlocked fingers that didn’t loosen until they’re both seated, shoulder to shoulder.

 

 

As their members have rightly pointed out — they were flirting. And maybe Youngho has already figured it before Jaehyun did that he didn’t want this to stop at all.

 

*

 

(Youngho looks at Jaehyun, and he wants, _wants, and wants,_ but he’s not sure if Jaehyun wants the same, so he keeps his words away and hopes that Jaehyun can understand him.

Jaehyun thinks he might.)

 

*

 

The months pass by, with new members joining their already humongous family, and the distance between Youngho and Jaehyun is much closer than before, but not quite close enough. Winter is waving them goodbye before they even know it, the warmer days and developing flower buds reminding them that spring is well on its way.

The company decides that it’s finally the time for them to loosen their clutch on their team, and lets the older members have the freedom of living on their own. Taeyong gathers the members together over lunch one day for them to share their plans. The first to go, a surprise to some but not for the rest (which includes Jaehyun), is Youngho. He’s already been looking at a few apartments in the recent months, Jaehyun knows, and last week he’s finally settled on one in the Seocho district (Jaehyun may or may not have coerced him into living in the same district as he did and soon will again). Jaehyun is planning to move back in with his parents, while Doyoung and Taeyong are looking into sharing an apartment together (mainly because none of them fully trusts Taeyong with himself and Doyoung’s the only one who can handle him in any of his moments). The other foreigners of their team, Yuta, Sicheng and Mark are remaining in the dorm, while Haechan and Taeil are still undecided.

Today is the day Youngho leaves the dorm officially, and Taeyong has decided to prepare a farewell meal for him, already busy in the kitchen with Doyoung and Haechan as his helpers. Usually, Jaehyun would be his trusty right hand man, the other official cook of their original 9-member team, but he’s let him off today to “bother Youngho before he finally leaves” (deep down, they all know that Jaehyun’s been a little unhappy about Youngho leaving so soon, and Jaehyun knows that Taeyong is giving him a chance to spend some undisturbed time with Youngho).

And so he’s here in their shared room, sitting at the head of Youngho’s now sheet-ridden bed as he watches him pack the last of his clothing.

“Stop looking at me with those eyes, would you?” Youngho half-pleads, a wry smile on his face as he finally turns to look at Jaehyun after he’s been in the room for 15 minutes.

Jaehyun squints his eyes at him as he buries half of his face into the soft material of the white whale plushy Youngho has treasured since their trainee days. “Let me keep Blue with me.” he demands, referring to the other blue whale plushy Youngho’s kept for just as long.

Youngho raises a brow. “That’s Jay you’re holding onto.” he points out, seemingly mistaken that Jaehyun’s got their names mixed up.

“I know, I’m just doing this so that —” _you can get reminded of me even when I’m not next to you,_ Jaehyun cuts himself off his own sentence. If it was Youngho he probably wouldn’t have had a problem saying that (although embarrassment might hit him seconds later and cause a mini-meltdown in him), but Jaehyun’s not as audacious as he is; they’re different like this.

Their similarities show at the same time, because Youngho is looking smug as he asks, “So that what?”

He’s obviously got a hunch on what Jaehyun’s been meaning to say, because he’s walking over to him now, arms wide to pull him into his embrace, Jay stuck in between their chests.

“It’s not like we’re not going to meet anymore, you know?” Youngho breathes against the side of his head, lips touching his hair. Jaehyun nods against his chest, he knows, he really does. They’re still going to see each other a few times a week for their radio sessions, when they practice and perform together, and besides, when Jaehyun moves back in with his parents their houses will be a just a few minutes away. So he knows, but still.

“It’s going to be weird, not seeing your face every day and smelling the coffee you make every morning.” Jaehyun admits, and the thought of it already sends dread throughout him.

Youngho chuckles, hands rubbing circles on his back. “I feel exactly the same, Jaehyun-ah.”

They stay like this for a few minutes more, just listening to the faint sounds of the members bickering from the kitchen upstairs, and then Youngho’s swaying both their bodies from left to right and Jaehyun giggles, pulling away. Youngho snatches Jay from Jaehyun’s arms, and puts Blue onto his lap instead.

“Jay’s mine now,” he says, squashing the plushy against his chest tightly, and Jaehyun’s heart skips a beat at what the deeper meaning of that could be.

 

“I trust that you’ll keep Blue just as safe, Jaehyun-ah.”

 

*

 

Just a day after Jaehyun moved out of their dorm to return to his original residence, Youngho alerted them via their group chat that he’s having a housewarming party that night.

_JN: Checked all of your schedules and none of you have anything on, so come_

_DY: Hyung, you’re supposed to inform people at least a week in advance for things like that_

_JN: ? There are rules for this sort of things?_

_TY: Doyoung says it’s called etiquette (rolls eyes emoji)_

_JN: Oh okay._

_MK: It’s alright, hyung, we’re still coming!!! :D (me, Haechanie, Yuta-hyung, Win Win ge-ge)_

_TL: Youngho-yah do you need anything?_

_JN: It’s fine Taeil-hyung, thanks! :)_

Jaehyun skims through the messages before exiting the application to call Youngho directly. The call rings for exactly two and a half times before he picks up. “Hey, what’s up?”

He smiles when he hears Youngho’s voice over the speakers, and for a second he can hear some jazz in the background.

“What are you listening to?” he asks as he rests his arms on the window ledge and looks out at the tall buildings in the distance. The window of his room faces the backyard of their house, and a bit further away the more modern streets with the newer apartment buildings can be seen. He’s been trying to figure out which is the one Youngho’s staying in currently since yesterday, but they all look similar and it’s impossible to differentiate them without looking at their names.

“An old version of Dream a Little Dream of Me,” Youngho replies, and after some shuffling the sound of the music got loud enough for Jaehyun to make out the lyrics. “Do you know the song? It’s pretty famous.”

Jaehyun hums, listening to the tune carefully. “I might have heard it before, it’s not unfamiliar.”

They stop talking for a moment, just focusing on the music, and Jaehyun closes his eyes to let his mind drift along with the notes. When it ends, he hears some shuffling again and another track starting somewhere further in the background. “So why did you call?”

“About the party you’re having tonight,” Jaehyun answers, and Youngho laughs on the other side of the line. He ignores his justification of _alright maybe I shouldn’t have called it a party,_ and continues, “Do you want me to come over early to help?”

“Jaehyun, I don’t mean to break your bubble, but I’m not planning on having decorations or anything. It’s just going to be a small gathering with food and drinks.”

“I know,” Jaehyun scowls half-heartedly, “I meant help with the food. What are you planning on serving, hyung?”

“Uhm, I don’t know. I was thinking of ordering delivery or something.”

He sighs clearly into the phone, and Youngho squawks, obviously offended: “Hey, delivery’s fine for party food, alright!” Maybe in American context, but Jaehyun thinks of the possible nagging (that is well-meaning) they might hear from Doyoung and Taeyong later, and he decides that he needs to do something about it.

“Hyung, do you have groceries at home?”

 

 

When the others finally arrive at the ‘party’ in the evening, they’re met with a cooking Jaehyun in the kitchen, and Youngho who is waiting for instructions by his side.

“I didn’t know this housewarming party was for Jaehyunie too.” Sicheng comments, inciting laughter from the rest and a joking glare from Jaehyun.

“He dragged me to the supermarket just now just to cook all of this, so y’all better appreciate the food.” threatens Youngho as he sets out the dishes and utensils on his dining table, ignoring Doyoung and Haechan’s cries of _what kind of a host is this!_

Taeyong’s the first one at the table, complaining about his hunger, and is followed slowly by the other members who were busy looking around his apartment. “Ah, Jaehyunie’s cooking improved a lot!” he compliments, and agreements chime in one by one.

“Jaehyunie-hyung, you should really just move in so that Youngho-hyung won’t starve to death.” Haechan suggests, and is met with a light smack on his forehead. “What are you saying, Donghyuck-ah. Hyung is eating well these days!”

“You barely had anything in your fridge before I came, hyung.” Jaehyun reminds him blandly, drawing laughs from the members again. Doyoung starts nagging Youngho on how unhealthy delivery food can be, and concludes: “Jaehyun-ah, if you can’t move in with hyung at least teach him how to cook.”

Youngho looks dejectedly at Jaehyun, whose lips are tugged up in a little smug smile and eyes shining a challenging glint when their eyes meet, as if he’s saying _told you so._ He shakes his head resignedly, and turns around to focus on the conversation with the other members. 

 

As the night falls, the members who are weaker in alcohol (Mark and Taeyong, in particular) starts to act a little unlike themselves, and Doyoung, who is still sober, suggests that they go home so that Youngho can have time to clean up (to which Youngho is grateful for because he really doesn’t know if he can deal with Taeyong running around his house in that drunken state). Jaehyun doesn’t say a word as the other members start to leave in twos or threes, with Doyoung offering to drive the members without a car home, and none of them questions him, already used to the two’s odd relationship. They bid goodbye to both Jaehyun and Youngho, as if they really treated Jaehyun as the owner of the house as well. The thought sends tingles across Jaehyun’s chest, and when he finds Youngho staring at him, a questioning look on his face, he stares right back at him inquisitively.

“Aren’t you leaving?” Youngho asks, a hint of a smile showing on his lips. Jaehyun feigns to be hurt then, pouting as he questions back: “Are you chasing me away?”

The real owner of the house breathes out an airy laugh. “You’re impossible,” he says in English, and that has somehow become a common thing for Youngho to say with regards to Jaehyun over time. “Well, if you’re going to stay, at least help out with the cleaning.”

And so Jaehyun does. They do the dishes together wordlessly, the oldies playing from Youngho’s vinyl record player filling the silence between them along with the sound of running water and crisp clashing of the ceramics on other surfaces. When they are almost done, Jaehyun speaks up: “Hyung, can I just stay over tonight?”

He sees Youngho’s hand reaching over to turn off the tap, and waits patiently for his reply. Their shoulders are touching, and Jaehyun leans further in so that their arms are too, and finally the back of their hands. He turns to face Youngho then, gasping softly when he discovers how close their faces are. Youngho intertwines their fingers together, and brings his other hand up to cup the side of Jaehyun’s neck — it causes Jaehyun to hiss softly at the coldness of his palm, but he holds his hand to keep it there anyway. He looks into Youngho’s eyes and sees a familiar tenderness as well as a want that he might have been purposefully avoiding all this while, and wonders if his eyes reflect the same emotions — because he does want this, now.

“… Can I?” Youngho asks, voice in a different kind of softness that Jaehyun’s never heard before but thinks he will very much want to hear a lot more.

“Always the gentleman,” he jokes, and Youngho smiles, thumb stroking gently past the skin along his throat.

Jaehyun’s eyes flutter close.

“Kiss me, hyung.” he breathes.

 

And when Youngho’s lips touches his at last, Jaehyun thinks he can finally understand what it feels like to be complete.

 

*

 

The end of another year is here, and this year they’re given a few days off for Christmas, with most members only beginning practice the day after. A majority have hence decided to spend it with their families, with the foreign members all returning to their own countries. That includes Youngho, who’s clearly excited about spending his first Christmas back in Chicago in years, with high spirits that no one can dampen. Not even Jaehyun’s sulking.

“I want to experience a truly white Christmas too.” he pouts after seeing the photos Youngho’s mother has sent him; the pear tree in their backyard already covered in snow, the surrounding buildings all dusted in white, looking like it’s a town straight out of the fairy tales Jaehyun used to read when he was younger. It’s unfortunate that the new unit he’s been put into has a performance right after Christmas, which leaves him no choice but to stay behind in Seoul to prep for it.

Youngho chuckles, and leans down to press a kiss to the corner of Jaehyun’s lips before resuming his quest to pack his luggage. He’s flying off tonight, and Jaehyun has come over to spend time together before sending him off (and definitely not distract him by looking so adorable sitting at the corner of Youngho’s bed in his favourite pastel yellow sweater).

“We’ll have next year,” he says resolutely as he throws a pair of pants into a side of his luggage. “And the next, and the next…”

It’s sadly not enough to appease Jaehyun.

“But what about spending Christmas together for seven years in a row.” he questions, bringing back the promise that they’ve made on (somewhat) a national broadcast two years ago.

“You still remember that?” Youngho’s eyes widens in surprise, but answers, “We’ve already missed last year’s, if you’re using that as a point.”

“Exactly, and now we’re left with five years.” Jaehyun sulks even further, frown so deep Ten would have joked that he’s going to get wrinkles if he was here.

“Hey, hey,” Youngho straightens then, coming over to sit on the space in front of Jaehyun, “Who says I’m planning on spending only seven Christmases with you. I’ve already saved a space for you in the Christmases of the rest of my life, aren’t you going to do the same?”

Jaehyun’s heart skips at Youngho’s words again, and after taking a moment to process it fully he lets out a soft whine before hiding his face in his hands. Youngho laughs, and pulls his hands away to give him a proper kiss on the lips this time.

“Wait for me to come back, I’ll send you pictures.”

 

Turns out Youngho had really meant mail sending when he said he’ll send him pictures.

It’s the day that Youngho’s coming back from Chicago, and Jaehyun couldn’t wait to see him again after a little over a week of missing his presence — he’s stayed up till 3AM to talk to him until he’s boarded the plane, and have plans to surprise him in his house later. So when his mother notifies him that there’s a mail for him from Chicago on the coffee table, he had to do a double take to make sure he’s reading the message properly.

 _Did hyung send something?_ He would ask Youngho himself over text to clarify it, but he figures there wouldn’t be a point with the horrible Wi-Fi signal on board and how Youngho would most likely be sleeping.

The handwriting on the letter is distinctively Youngho’s, and Jaehyun runs his hand over the ink that spelled his name, feeling the indents on the papering. It’s probably the first time Youngho has ever written him a letter like that (mostly they used texts; Youngho was notorious for sending long encouraging letters to their members over messaging back when they were still trainees), and Jaehyun already knows he will cherish this even before seeing what the contents are.

After slitting the back end with the letter opener his father has in his study, he pulls out what’s inside gently. Three photos, and a folded paper which Jaehyun guesses is a letter. He looks through the photos first; the first was of Youngho smiling in what Jaehyun now recognises as his backyard, a full shot of him against the tall pear tree that is almost thrice his height. The next one, a snow covered Christmas tree with lightings and decorations in what looked like a square. At the bottom, a neatly written ‘wish you were here’, which brings a smile to Jaehyun’s face. Lastly, Youngho’s selfie taken in a bedroom backdrop — Jaehyun guesses that it’s his from the number of soft toys and books he can see from the surroundings. In a corner, a ‘kiss this if you miss me’ is written in smaller font than the previous photo’s, and Jaehyun rolls his eyes despite still grinning.

He picks up the folded paper next, and unfolding it reveals six lines of words, all in English.

 

_“Dearest Jae,_

 

_I haven’t given much thought to it before, but now that you’re not next to me, I think you might really be the sun that shines through even the darkest clouds in my life._

_You and I may be really different, like yin and yang sometimes, but I hope you know that I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life figuring all of you out if it’s you._

_Merry Christmas Jae. I love you._

_Forever Yours,_

_John Suh”_

 

Jaehyun isn’t the type who cries easily, but he might have teared up just a little at that moment.

 

(And he did, later when Youngho finally returned home, hair a little disheveled from the wind outside and black trench coat unbuttoned. He was surprised to see Jaehyun, but even more surprised to see his eyes red-rimmed and nose a little red. Jaehyun raised the mail he received that morning up in his hand, and Youngho lets out a knowing ‘ah’, a shy smile on his lips as he walked over to cup Jaehyun’s face in his hands, thumb wiping over his eyes gently.

“This is considered cheating,” Jaehyun grumbled, voice slightly hoarse. “You can’t do this when you’re not by my side to hold me.”

Youngho laughed, and pecked the tip of Jaehyun’s nose to express his apology. “Sorry, I thought you would like it.”

“I did.” Jaehyun admitted, leaning forward to rest his head against Youngho’s chest. He sighed contentedly when Youngho’s arms came to wrap around him, a hand cupping the back of his head.

“I love you, hyung.” he said softly, and felt lips pressing against the top of his head.

“I love you too.”)

 

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

It’s Christmas season again, and Jaehyun is absolutely overjoyed at how neither of them have any schedules in line this year, because that meant one thing —

“Hyung, we can go to Chicago for Christmas!”

Youngho is elated as well, but watching Jaehyun so excited and full of childlike anticipation of a white Christmas is quite amusing, and also a little worrying. _What if it doesn’t snow as much this year,_ he finds himself thinking as Jaehyun snuggles closer to him, sleeping without a care in the world. They’re in their waiting room after a performance at some event, and Jaehyun has decided that he’d liked a nap upon hearing that there was still an hour to go before they have to show up for the finale, thus resulting in this scene — Youngho with an arm around Jaehyun to keep his head against the juncture between his neck and shoulders, both on the sofa with Yuta right next to them.

“Hyung, have you booked the tickets?”

News have always spread fast in their team, but Youngho’s pretty sure that it was impossible for their members to not know when Jaehyun’s been going around telling them his plans for Christmas this year.

“Yeah, we’re flying off next Monday.” he replies Doyoung, who’s perched on the arm of the sofa across them.

“Are you excited?” Yuta asks, a teasing smile on his lips.

He shoots his friend a look, but the corners of his lips that are turning upwards betray him. “Of course,” he says, and then admits, “and a little worried.”

“Of what?” Doyoung asks, munching on the chocolate biscuits that their fans have given them as support for today.

“I don’t know,” Youngho sighs, glancing at the sleeping Jaehyun in his arms, “What if it doesn’t snow as much this year and he gets disappointed?”

“Hmm,” Doyoung hums musingly, and Youngho knows that he’s just summoned Consultant Doyoung out unwittingly. “I don’t know much about how you two’s relationship work, hyung, but I’d think that Jaehyun will be happy with just having you by his side. Even if a white Christmas didn’t happen.”

“I think so too,” Yuta adds, “Honestly, I think Jaehyunie just wants to see the places you’ve grown up seeing, and all the things you’ve talked to us about all these years. Wouldn’t that matter to him more?” he looks to Doyoung when he sounds a little unsure, and the younger gives a supporting nod.

“Don’t worry, hyung. Just be as confident as you’ve always been, I’m sure you’ll figure something out even if things didn’t go as planned.” Doyoung encourages, and Youngho gives a short sigh again before he thanks them.

His eyes focuses on Jaehyun’s eyelashes that quiver against his cheeks every few seconds, before moving down to his protruding lower lip — a habit and feature when he’s either absolutely relaxed or concentrated. He brushes his thumb past it gently, and leans his head down to rest against Jaehyun’s.

_I hope you like it there._

 

Youngho’s worries ended up unwarranted because the snowfall in Chicago this winter is predicted to be the highest in years. His mother has already informed him of how the snow is piling up gradually, and he’s read on news reports about how much colder this winter is expected to be as compared to previous years. Jaehyun’s eyes have lit up when he conveyed the information, and he flicked his forehead lightly because: “It’s not exactly something to be happy about, it’s going to be freezing!”

To which Jaehyun has surprisingly replied: “That’s alright, because hyung will have me as your personal warmer.”

When Jaehyun’s face didn’t change to the bright red Youngho had been expecting, he began to wonder if it is really possible for lovers to infect each other with their personality traits.

They arrived in Chicago on a cold and wet morning, and the dark clouds looming above them dampened Jaehyun’s spirits a little, but it was revived quickly when they met Youngho’s mother in the arrival hall.

“Oh, Jaehyunie!” she cooed, pulling him into a warm hug which he returned with just as much enthusiasm. “You’ve really grown a lot!”

The last time they’ve met was six years ago, as pointed out by Youngho. She had flown to Seoul after taking a short leave from work, and dropped by the company to visit Youngho and the rest of them. Jaehyun remembers how he had been a little intimidated by her when they first met; her designer heels, well-groomed bob hair and slightly strong perfume had been a strong first impression. Seeing her again now, full of energy and warmth, he can see how Youngho managed to grow up with just as much positivity.

The car ride back to Youngho’s house was an amusing one, with Jaehyun listening on to the mother and son’s bicker in a mix of English and Korean from the backseat and giving his two cents when Youngho’s mother asked for his opinion (“Hyung still doesn’t know how to cook.” “Aigoo, what am I going to do with you…” “Yah, Jung Jaehyun! You said I was getting better, didn’t you!”).

Their house reminded him of his own back when he lived in America, just cozier with much more family pictures around every room. He had made sure to take pictures of the ones with Youngho as a child, just for keepsakes (and maybe to share with the rest of the members). The backyard with the pear tree that Youngho’s mentioned a couple of times was already covered in snow that reached his ankles, and Jaehyun almost immediately laid down to make a snow angel, which had Youngho chortling in amusement before joining him.

The next few days passed by in a blink, with Youngho driving him out to the places he’s always wanted to take him to, and taking every opportunity he could to snap pictures of Jaehyun with his camera that never left his hands. Each day ended with Jaehyun collapsing on Youngho’s (and now technically also his) bed, absolutely drained from the day’s activities. Youngho had called him weak, which he had glared at him half-heartedly for, but always made up to him when they cuddled together before sleeping, pressing kisses to the side of Jaehyun’s face every now and then.

 

It was Christmas Eve when it happened.

They’d spent the entire day in front of the fireplace in the living room, drinking hot chocolate and reading books because it has been snowing ceaselessly since the previous night. Youngho did promise to take him out for dinner that evening and bring him to see the Christmas lightings downtown, so Jaehyun’s been looking forward to it, but he definitely wasn’t expecting this.

Youngho is in a crisp white dress shirt, a tie neatly fastened in the middle of it, and black dress slacks.

“… Is it a fine-dining restaurant?” he questions, still eyeing Youngho from top to bottom because he doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen him dressed so formally aside from their red carpet entrances to events.

“Kinda?” Youngho’s voice sounds a little tense, but he gives a little shrug as if to cover it up. “They’re not very strict about the dress code, though, so you can probably just wear the black turtleneck you brought.”

Jaehyun nods slowly, glancing back and forth between Youngho and his clothings. If he squints he thinks he can make out a thin sheen of sweat covering Youngho’s forehead, and his confusion intensifies. “Are you okay, hyung?” he asks, walking forward to wipe his sweat away.

Youngho’s body is unusually tense under his hold on his arms, and he looks up at him worriedly. “I’m fine,” Youngho says at last, sounding a little breathless as he laughs. “I think it’s just been a long time since I’ve been to a fine-dining restaurant, so I’m a little nervous.”

Jaehyun’s brow raises a little at that, but he doesn’t question it. “Maybe we can eat somewhere else?”

“It’s fine,” Youngho’s reply came in a beat, and Jaehyun blinks, surprised again. “I’ve already made a reservation, and the food’s pretty good. I think you’ll like it.”

He’s still concerned at how weird Youngho’s acting, but Youngho’s already bringing his hand to his lips to kiss his fingers, and then mumbling something about preparing downstairs before leaving Jaehyun on his own in the room.

 _Strange,_ he thinks as he rubs at the skin that still tingles from the warmth of Youngho’s lips.

 

The restaurant Youngho takes him to is situated on the 40th floor of a building downtown, looking over both the city and harbour on either sides. The view is spectacular, enough for Jaehyun to give up trying to look at the menu (Youngho forbids, only asking for his preferences — Jaehyun suspects it’s got to do with the prices) to run his eyes over the city lights again and again, now that the weather’s cleared up and stopped snowing. Everything is great so far; the ambiance, the service and the food. The waiter has just cleared their plates and let them know that dessert will soon be served when Youngho clears his throat all of a sudden.

“Jaehyun-ah,” he starts, and Jaehyun sits up intuitively, leaning forward slightly.

“I hope you don’t get surprised, but…” his words drift off, and then he’s fishing for something from the pocket of his coat next to him.

_Oh._

Jaehyun thinks when he sees the black velvet box Youngho sets on the table, colour starkly contrasting against the white tablecloth. He can feel a lump forming in his throat, and suddenly the way Youngho’s been acting strange makes sense to him.

“I know it hasn’t been too long since we got together,” Youngho’s voice sounds firmer now, and Jaehyun looks back up at him. “I don’t want this to make you to feel chained down or anything, but I thought that it’ll be nice to show you how much I wish to be a part of the rest of your life.”

He doesn’t trust his voice to give an answer right now, so Jaehyun quietly takes the box with shaky hands, and opens it.

A simple silver band lays in the middle of it, and the small dents noticeable around the corners fuels his suspicion. “Did you..?”

Youngho chuckles then, slightly embarrassed. “Yeah, I went to a silversmithing studio back in Seoul to get it done… I tried, but I guess I’m still not as good as a professional…” he confesses.

Jaehyun shakes his head, it still looks beautiful to him. He picks it up gingerly, and sees the engraved letters on the inside. _J & Y, _Johnny and Yoonoh, Jaehyun and Youngho, whichever works. He admires it wordlessly, rotating it around with his fingers a few more times, before he remembers something.

“What about yours, hyung?”

Youngho’s face breaks into a grin then, pulling a silver necklace from under his collar to reveal a similar looking ring at the end. “I wanted to keep it as a surprise.”

Jaehyun smiles, and brings his focus back to slowly fit the ring down his ring finger. “It’s the perfect size,” he notes, slightly amazed himself, and Youngho breathes out in relief.

“I was worried, I forgot to bring the rings you always wore that day, so it’s completely by memory and guessing.”

 _That just makes it even more impressive_ , Jaehyun swallows the words that he wants to say, and instead reaches his hand over the table to seek Youngho’s. The hand that covers his is much colder than usual, and his eyes soften as he thinks of how anxious Youngho must have been.

“Were you scared that I wouldn’t like it?”

Youngho squeezes his hand, looking at the ring that seems a million times more beautiful now that Jaehyun’s wearing it. “A little.”

“You have too little trust in me.” Jaehyun chides teasingly, drawing another laugh from Youngho.

“I’ll know better next time.”

 

The evening air is chilly, especially since they are near the lake, and they find themselves huddling closer to each other among other couples and friends doing the same. The different Christmas lights that greets them as they walk down the streets are magnificent, and Jaehyun pauses every few minutes to awe at them, which Youngho finds absolutely endearing. They are making their way to Millennium Park, where the city’s official Christmas tree is located and a popular ice skating rink can be found, as Youngho has explained.

The laughter and chattering of the people in the rink hits them first when they enter the park, and Jaehyun takes a long look at them, intrigued.

“Wanna skate?” Youngho asks, tugging softly at Jaehyun’s hand he’s holding towards the direction of the rink.

Jaehyun thinks of the last time he had been in a skating rink; had he been in middle school at that time? He looks at the number of people in the rink, and scrunches his face a little. “Let’s not, I don’t have confidence I can get out of there alive.”

Youngho laughs, reassuring that he’ll make sure he does if they do get in there, but Jaehyun’s already pulling him towards the Christmas tree a few steps away. Most of the snow on the pathways has been cleared by the workers, but the snow that settled on the branches of the tree remained, making it look dreamier than usual.

They stare up at it quietly for a moment, the silence filled by conversations of the people around them. When Jaehyun finally decides that he’s finished admiring the lights, blinking his eyes to get his focus back, he concludes: “It still looks better from afar, honestly.”

Youngho hums in agreement and walks the both of them to an empty bench nearby. “Let’s admire it from here, then.”

The comfortable silence returns again, and in the distance Jaehyun can hear Christmas carols playing. He watches the families and children going around the tree, the young lovers and friends joking around as they take pictures, the elderly couples who are taking a stroll in the park.

In the pocket of Youngho’s coat, their hands are interlaced tightly, the rings on each of their ring finger right next to each other. _How easy is it for two different people to come together like this?_ he wonders as he feels Youngho’s palm warm up to his slowly.

Youngho’s sleeping habits is still hard to get used to (Jaehyun still has to get up in the middle of the night sometimes to turn his head to get his snoring to stop), and he’s sure Youngho still can’t work out his occasional mood swings, but he thinks that this is workable.

“Hyung,” he calls, pulling Youngho’s attention from the scenery back to him. Youngho quirks his brow up, gaze gentle as he waits for Jaehyun to continue.

“We’re still different,” Jaehyun gathers, “and we’ll probably still be in the future.”

Youngho’s hand unclenches and clenches once in his pocket, and Jaehyun holds it a little tighter.

“But I think I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life doing trial-and-errors to figure you out too,” he concludes at last, “because it’s you.”

 

 

The smile even more dazzling than the array of lights in front of them Youngho sends him before pulling him in for a kiss lets Jaehyun know that he feels exactly the same.

And that is enough. 

 

 

 

 

At the end of the season,

“I hope you’re next to me.”

“Always.”

 

 

 

 

 

_“At the end of the season, where will we be?_

_How I wish I can hear your voice._

_I’m so lucky to have been able to meet you in this world._

_If you think of me as well, can you think of me while smiling?”_

 

_— YoonA, When the Wind Blows/If You Think of Me As Well_

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was really inspired by yoona's when the wind blows (chinese vers.), not sure if i managed to convey the lyrics well through my translation, but the song really reminds me of johnjae's relationship. this fic was pretty much an explanation of what my interpretation of johnjae's r/s is from what we've seen so far; how they're so different yet click so well and comfortably together --- i tried adding in most of the 'significant' moments they shared (the christmas one is another major inspiration for this fic lol), and may god really bless n-nana for giving us a daily dose of johnjae (actually that's how i started shipping them together in the first place) 
> 
> and as a pretty new fan i'm still not very sure of the members' interactions with each other and certain about their personalities, esp jae bc i've always thought he's the type that is mature most of the time but still has this childlike-ness in him, while john's the type who's level-headed and knows he wants clearly... i really hope i didn't go ooc ;;
> 
> it's my first time writing such a loooong fic and i'm pretty amazed at myself even though i took a week... (i hope i didn't make it too draggy ;;) it was really fun writing this piece, so i hope you enjoyed reading it too!!! thanks for reading and comments are appreciated ♡


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